2021 Year in Review: Running in place but at least we’re not going backwards

It’s that time of the year again but truthfully, I didn’t feel like this year justified a year in review wrap up. I am usually nothing but stubborn when it comes to nostalgia and tradition, the type of fool who will cling to a piece of memory long after it has gone stale. But this year… this year, nothing really happened.

The funny thing is, other people are upholding my traditions for me. I’ve had a handful of people ask me when I’d be posting my annual wrap up, because it usually reminded them them to look back and reflect on their year.

Well, I guess all years are worth documenting because it was my year. So for the 7th year running, here’s my year in review. Warning: I talk about rocky mental health, but I promise it ends on a better note.

I started the year in quarantine. Really sets the tone for the year huh? The first day we went back to the office, we found out of potential exposure to COVID-19 and all went into a 14-day room quarantine. It was strange to be served meals in trays like an inmate or a patient, but it was at the point where I was still the fittest I’ve ever been. Days passed in a blur of work, exercise and naps.

I ended 2020 with simmering burnout but the first half of 2021 was when it truly hit, caused by my bad boundaries and sheer inability to turn off work notifications on my phone. 

My burnout was so bad that some days I couldn’t get out of bed. I would turn on my laptop and stare at a blank document for thirty minutes straight, each word I tried to put on the page sending me into helpless hyperventilation. I seriously considered just quitting the industry entirely and switching to another career, because suddenly I didn’t enjoy the job that I knew I wanted to do my entire life. It was affecting my health too. Once I couldn’t fall sleep for almost 46 hours. This repeated often.

To add to the stress, my burnout made me completely lose interest in my hobbies. After months of daily workouts and 100km per month runs, I stopped exercising – and haven’t done so since. I left EXO fandom and K-pop because it wasn’t giving me joy anymore. What would even move me anymore now that I didn’t like Jongin, when I’ve revolved my life around him for a decade?

Eventually I couldn’t stand wallowing in pity anymore and decided to pull myself out of my rut by the bootstraps. Someone sent me mental health resources anonymously on Instagram and that was my wake up call. Obviously I wasn’t doing okay, and wouldn’t be okay until I did something about it.

I communicated more, set stricter boundaries, took care to leave work behind after hours – and it worked. I recovered, though I was a shadow of what I used to be. Work is piling up again now though and I feel the familiar pull into the darkness, which I’m desperately fighting because I do not want to be back there. I guess humans just weren’t meant to work 12 hours a day six days a week.

Through it all, I was reminded again of what a rock solid support system I had. My friends tirelessly hyped me up through my dark months, sending me care packages and words of support, always there to offer a listening ear. Even my little circle of new gamer friends banded around me when I seemed down and would drag me to more in-game adventures to distract me.

The turning point was when my birthday rolled around and I was completely blown me away by how many thoughtful gifts I received. I didn’t expect anything, but was showered in presents that were tailored to my tastes.

At night, I looked at all the treats around me, each accompanied by a sweet message, and started bawling. It showed that someone cared enough about me to think about me, and to even take into consideration my very weird likes and dislikes. That day gave me enough power to make it through the rest of the year very happily.

In July, I also had my second vaccination shot and life started going back to normal.

I went full on into every self-care cliché. Took those bubble baths. Lit the candles. Stayed in hotels with breathtaking views.

 Even hiked a bit and hesitantly ventured back into jogging.

Luckily, once I emerged from the murky depths, I rediscovered new things that gave me joy. I cannot stress how important the game Genshin Impact has been to me, giving me the distraction and community that I needed and filling up the EXO-shaped hole in my life. It leaves me giddy sometimes when I play a new quest, or I’d spend my nights giggling at whatever new fluffy fan created content I can find. Through these ridiculously pretty characters with deep lore, I found happiness again.

I also got into vtubers, which hear me out here, sounds like a strange concept but is actually just normal gaming streamers with a 2D avatar. Did I expect to spend so many nights watching a cartoon avatar play APEX or Minecraft? No, but dang am I learning Japanese by osmosis. I feel like I’ve learned more Japanese in my six months of casually watching Nijisanji vtubers than I have from my year of daily duolingo.

Finally, I invested in myself again. After almost a year of not caring about my appearance, I dyed my hair and painted my nails. I experimented with new makeup looks and bought new palettes to replace the old expired ones. Goodbye #NoBuy2020; hello new clothes and new accessories!

So now I end 2021 once again a different person than I was in 2020. New look, new hobbies, new view of life. I don’t feel like the year was spectacular or that I’ve grown in any way, but not all years need to be about growth. Sometimes we just have to be.

With this rocky a year, there’s no place to go but upwards right? May 2022 be peaceful and kind. Let there only be blue skies ahead.